Dear BEST FRIEND (aka my beautiful maid of honor),
You are now TWENTY-FREAKING-SIX. Officially, you are no longer in the 20 to 25 years age range. Binge drinking, tabletop dancing, streaking the quad, & promiscuous sex are no longer acceptable "after-school" activities for you to partake in (bummer). The Glory Days of college are far, FAR behind you. You are now on your downward slide into your THIRTIES. God. Seriously, you might want to start considering Botox now. And being that you are almost 30 (yes, that is appropriate to say at your age), why haven't you married and spawned at least 3 little ones by now!?! You know that biological clock of yours just keeps ticking away; you've haven't got much time left!!!
So on the wonderous occassion of your birthday, I have compiled a list of sage advice for you as you progress just this much closer to your menopausal years:
1. Never go bra-less. Sorry babe, but the days of perky tits are long over and now your "supple breasts" probably sag down about to your knees.
2. Don't forget to dye. Seriously, nobody wants to bang a grandma with a head full of greys.
3. Your new beauty word is RESTORE. In your youth it was PREVENTION, but now you are old and time has already done its damage.
4. Don't get offended when bartenders and restuarants no longer ask for your ID when you order a drink. Sorry sweetie, no one is going to confuse you for an 18 year old anymore.
5. Mini skirts, skimpy tops, low-rise jeans, hooker shoes, and anything sparkly should be removed from your wadrobe ASAP and replaced with the following: turtlenecks, girtles, any kind of sweater-set, mom-jeans, and orthopedic shoes. Dress your AGE lady!
6. Don't hate me because I am younger than you!
Wishing you all the best on your birthday. Oh and I almost forgot, (sheesh, I must be getting almost as old as you!) for your birthday I am gifting you with this: a lifetime membership to the Red Hat Society, , as the slogan says, "Where you BELONG".
All My Love,